The Centrifugal Fair

Something that is nice, yet can scare the crap out of you. Make you wet your pantaloons, such a nice feeling. Warmth as you go through terrible horrifying torture, while your whole world is spinning, everything is spinning, you are spinning, everything is spinning, the whole fair is spinning- oh wait, that's a hallucination. Now on to what scared me the most. The Kamikaze.

 I went on The Kamikaze with my brother. The part that made me close my eyes most was when it went around and around and around. It didn't just stop at the top, but used enough force to go all the way around.  I couldn't even hear myself think. People were screaming like little girls and boys. Seriously, and I am nine years old. I'm unimpressed with everyone there, because they were all TEENAGERS. I was surprised that they could scream like that. I found out that teenagers truly can be annoying.

 If I were allowed to, I would punch the fair managers in the face. Because they removed one of my favorite rides. It doesn't even make sense. It's called the Ali Baba.

The next ride: The Octopus. The green octopus may not be scary at first, but can scare the crap out of you. The centrifugal force crushed my friend, because it's going way too fast. Now, ooh! What's this we have here? My seat is spinning? Very unpleasant.

Ride three: The ferris wheel. It was kind of boring at first, until it was going for a long time without stopping. It went kind of fast this year. Still wasn't too amusing until you get the bejeebeejees scared out of you by the guy who runs the ferris wheel. He rocks your seat back and forth and if you don't get scared by that, he'll yell something at you, like "BOO!" If you ask me, quite a buttface.

Ride four: The Sizzler. It doesn't make sense until the centrifugal force crushes you against the painful metal cages. Okay, last time I remember The Sizzler being a little blue ride that stood two inches from the grass and moved as fast as a snail. But now, centrifugal force has come back to slap me. Centrifugal force has to be the worst thing abou  this ride. because 1) it crushes you 2) makes you crush your friends and 3) totally surprises you. When you're sliding inward, you can grab the bar and pull yourself outward until you lose your grip and crash against the cage. Which hurts your hip, a lot.

Ride five: The Tornado. Pretty light, until you go with someone else, who is obsessed with spinning the little wheel. So now you're going faster. And faster, until you're crapping your pants while you speak. An impression of how I see it. STOP SPINNING! PLEASE!! STOP SPINNING IT!

Now, when the ride stops, it seems like it's nice and over. Unless you don't unlock the cage, and get out. Then you'd have to go on the ride again. Although that didn't happen to me. If you took too long, it'd start up and you'd have to go on it again. And if you didn't unlock the cage in time again, I don't know what to tell you if you'd have to go on it a third time.


Ride six: The Roller Coaster, pretty fun at first, until your ears get raped by the sound of this conveyor belt making a noise loud enough to irritate a deaf guy. Pretty loud, huh? No, it gets louder. While you're having fun, it hits all these bumps, which make even more aggravating noise.You try to reach your ears to cover them, but centrifugal force stops you, and when you're done trying to cover your ears, the ride stops.  Centrifugal force is a bitch, huh?

Next, the game. The only game I played there. The Hammer Game, You've probably heard of it, once I explain it fully. You take a hammer, and you hit this little thing as hard as you can to win a prize. I got one of the jumbo prizes. BOOM BOOM MUSCLES. My jumbo prize was a five cent, inflatable, ball and chain. Pretty pathetic, right? Until you beat up a bunch of people with it when they try to steal your wrist band as you leave. Came in handy.

Man, I am definitely not looking forward to next year's fair.

Moving On

The cycle of life. It's a saying, a cycle can be good. It can be good, it can be sad. It can be sad, it can be bad. Moving on can also mean more growing, which can also mean it has different effects on stuff. Different personalities, different talents. You can lose a talent too. Moving on can also mean you can lose someone in your life. A close friend, maybe even you won't be able to see a family member for a while. But moving on can be the best thing in the world sometimes. Don't waste your time, because you're moving on fast. Faster than you know.

Are You Talented?

I want to talk about talents, such as, my friend T's ability to fish and hunt. He has survival skills. I do too, but not as good as him.  My friend, C's ability to run. He's very fast. My friend, P's ability to bike. And Henry's ability to cook, skateboard, he's good at a lot of things. I'm also good at skateboarding, and biking, and cooking. Me and my brother are practically survival masters, because we both also are good at archery.

Everyone starts out with all the abilities in the world, but each of us is a little extra good at one of them. Like, me and my drawings:

My grown up friend, Cole, likes to write about old movies. My mom is good at gardening, and she can paint, and she can cook, and do a lot of good things because she's a grown up. Growing up is when you're expected to do more, so that's when you have to learn about more. I think every grown up or person in the world has at least one thing they're good at. It can be something funny, it can be something serious. All I know is, it's impossible to be good at nothing.

Not Enough Theme Party? Or Too Much Theme Party?

Have you ever thought of a theme party for your children? If you have, I bet it was really fun. But when I look at this catalog, they are driving theme birthdays over the limit.

Okay here, we have a shark fin costume accessory, which fits on your back like a backpack. A shark fin headband which doesn't even go on right. Shark Dangling Swirls. We have shark attack kites. I bet you're getting the point now. ALL THIS STUFF IS SHARK-RELATED.

STOP! This shark stuff is driving me crazy. After you look at this catalog, all you can think is Shark and all you can see is blue. So, you're talking to your friend after you look at this catalog, "Hey dudeSHARK, do you wannaSHARK go buySHARK somethingSHARK at the SHARK."

Why do moms even do this? I mean, let's say the theme is wooden crafts. The kid would obviously get a bunch of plastic tools and a hardhat. "Why not?" The mom thinks. It's really too much.

Now, if I was throwing a birthday party, I'd probably put a little theme in. I would probably do an Electronics themes. Like, the cake would be decorated with green and white circuits, made of frosting. I'd give away little plush robots and we would play whatever my child would want to play because it's his birthday party. It's not like okay, can we play Circuit Here Circuit There? No! We're playing Don't Touch The Floor! But I wanted to..NO! WE'RE PLAYING DON'T TOUCH THE FLOOR DAMMIT!

I mean, if you're throwing birthday parties, make sure they aren't too heavy, and they're easy to catch.

THE END

My Big Kayaking Trip

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life, because I experienced something that I've never experienced before: a little something called "kayaking."

My dad said there was going to be a guy called Marc, but the guy we met said Marc had the day off, so it was a guy called Josh. We ate snacks, he gave us apple cider, and we talked about stuff. He told me a joke I've never heard before. Here it is: Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven, eight, nine (seven ate nine.)

We talked about other things like famous mathematicians and people like that. And I started a different subject, "How do you think Attila the Hun was executed when he got to Europe?" That conversation didn't last too long, but he seemed to be fine with the subject.

There were a lot of other interesting things. I want to tell you about all four of them.

1. An Elk: I don't know if my dad or Josh saw it, but I did.

2. We found two beaver lodges. You're not going to believe this, but one of them was forty years old! I mean, not even human-built houses can stand that long! We also found two baby beavers. One came right up to us.

3. We also found ducks and lilypads. It's like they're alive. I tried to touch one and it went under water. It's like a sea anemone, only it's a lake anemone.

4. We found a cormorant. I cleverly brought my binoculars, they're very high-tech.

Before I end this, I'm going to say one more thing. I wish I had brought Laszlo with me.

THE END :)

A Crime Scene in Our Town

Today a very interesting thing happened. It's making our town look like it has to be removed. There are too many thieves here, including, my friend, P.

I was over on the side of my neighbor's house with P. and there are windows on the sides of their house and one of the screens was broken while the window was open. Their laptop was right next to the window. P. said, "Let's get that free laptop!" I backed out of it. He said I was small enough to crawl through, I still backed out of it. So, I went over to check on my chickens and see if there were eggs. I went back to P. but he was gone, with the laptop. I saw him running over to the cow field. Then, he ran back to his house.

About 20 minutes later, the little girl who lived in that apartment with the broken screen, and her uncle, were over at our house, looking for the laptop. They talked to my mom and me, and my mom said she didn't know anything about it. Except me, I knew everything. They asked me and I told them it was probably at P.'s house. We went over and got it. P. had it under the porch.

When I came over I even heard him say, "You came over to check out my new laptop?" and I said, "No." He said, "Well, I'm going to sell it." I took it out from under his porch and he asked, "What are you doing?" I said, "Taking it back. It's not yours and you know that. Stealing someone else's stuff and then selling it? Not cool." And then the little kids showed up with their uncle. P. went over to the little kids' house with his mom and apologized.

Slug Soup, About Me